Yada Yada Yada

My little blogspot will take some time to catch on with Friends & Family... So for now, I guess it's okay to get a little personal. (Dim the lights. Have a seat.)

I spent part of my Friday evening apologizing for my behavior to a new friend(If you're reading this.. yes,you. LOL!). I am usually quite good about returning calls and staying in touch; but I had to confess, I didn't do so this time out of fear, pain, and a dash of anxiety. He was a true gentlemen and listened to my admission with no judgement, only some very kind words.

Newsflash: I normally don't do well when people are too nice to me. I don't trust it. (Yes, Yes, Yes. Let us establish right here and now, that I have many issues. Moving on, alright?) Statements like his usually give me ugly face and make me want to run for the hills. Why? Silly rabbit! Because I've heard it all before, with varying amounts of sincerity. And I normally also don't make that kind of confession. I hate it being seen as a sign of presumptiousness (a word?) or a sign of weakness. "Who does this chick think she is? I don't give a rats ass that she didn't call me back."

I am introspective by nature. Combine that with the biggest sense of guilt you could ever imagine, and it means I am constantly berating myself for my mistakes. And constantly trying to find ways to not repeat those mistakes. This hasn't particularly worked well for me because as you may guess... I have trouble forgiving myself and it causes me much anguish. It is difficult for me to muster up compassion for others because I don't have any for myself.

Forward to the only message I think I gleaned from a cheesy self-help book my co-worker lent me... "I understand why you felt that way, but it's over now, you can let go." I let these words sink into my skin recently; and as I did, the tears flowed. (So embarassing! I was on the bus for god's sake!) I am learning to loosen my grip and let go. For me, it involves confronting my faults and weaknesses and upon owning up to them... letting them lie. I don't need to beat myself to a pulp eveytime I make a mistake. It's ok to tell people I fucked up, and just have all parties involved accept it for what it is. It seems so elementary doesn't it? But these little steps are so difficult, they bring me to my knees. My KNEES I tell you!

But it is the journey I remind myself.. The Journey. As everyone and their trained monkeys likes to say.. "An unexamined life ..." yada yada yada.